Now, before you judge that sentence and skip this post because you are afraid of a horribly negative rant, just cool your jets there, Skipper. Let me explain first, and then judge if you must.
I am a terrible mother. I let my kids eat tortilla shells rolled up with sunflower seed butter and raisins for supper, on nights when I am too frazzled to even attempt to be creative or healthy. I let them sit in the tub for five minutes while I fill milk jugs, wash dishes, put supper away, or even sit and enjoy some peace and (semi) quiet. I get irritated with them when we try to leave grammy's house and it takes fifteen minutes and as many hugs and tears to say goodbye. I am a terrible mother because I relish in the fact that no matter how crazy the day has been, my children are in bed and asleep no later than 8:00 on any given night, and they sleep through the night. No monitors, no creepy video cameras; just pure, unadulterated toddler sleep. Macy doesn't get to watch TV or play on my tablet before bed unless I am trying to buy some extra time with her little sister. There are a lot of weekends that we don't leave the house and that we watch "Frozen" two or three times in a day. But my children are happy, loving, well- mannered and gracious children. I will continue to be a terrible mom until the end of my days.
I am a terrible wife. Our house is a mess, clothes and toys and dog hair abound like baby rabbits in the spring. Dirty dishes line the sink; the bathroom counter is covered in makeup- powder and the cabinets are full of crap that, to be totally honest, doesn't get used but once in a blue moon. My jewelry litters my dresser/night stand/bathroom counter/table/bar; I could go on & on. No wonder I can't find those damn earrings I have looked for for a week! I don't like to watch the same kind of TV as my husband; I prefer old comedies or romance movies or "Duck Dynasty" to "Son's of Anarchy". I don't do cheeseburgers, but could live on fish or chicken or roast beef over ground beef or steaks. I prefer lots of blankets on the bed to his paper-thin sheet, and because I am always cold, we have probably burned an extra half-ton of pellets this winter. But my husband does get home cooked meals when he is home, all of my love, and all of my heart. So even though I am terrible at the house-wife part of this relationship, he still has to love me. Because I am really good at loving him.
I am a terrible employee and co-worker. I am somewhat of a "bulldog", whereas I latch onto something and fight it out to the bitter end. I am a bit of a micro-manager, which is bad; but I am also a work horse. Give me the responsibility, and I will get it done. I am learning that work ethic ranks much lower on the scale of employable traits than say, gossiping skills; but I guess somebody has to suck at interpersonal relationships. How else would any work get done? I am a terrible politician; I have no poker face, and although my most favorite dream includes slapping the shit out of a couple of co-workers and then telling them to go to hell as I walk out the door, I usually am more of a marshmallow and end up crying and just getting really, really angry rather than going all bat-shit crazy on someone. While I promise I will never, ever go postal on someone, please don't be surprised when I do stand up for myself. It might not be pretty, but it will happen just the same. I think people confuse my intensity on my work as unhappiness. I wish that I could say I love my job, but my facial expressions would give up the ruse. I don't love it but I don't hate it. There are even days I kind of love it.
So I guess all that terribleness is really just my humanity showing through. I am learning that priorities change as I age, and the things that my world revolved around ten years ago have taken a back seat to new things. The horses that once gave me a reason to get up in the morning have kind of been replaced with two little blonde firecrackers. The clean house that has eluded me since the beginning of time continues to do so; I just don't mind it so much now. I am much more chill about my husband's sense of humor and am *trying* to learn to go with the flow. I suck at saying no, except to my kids; someday that might change but for right now, it just is what it is. Looking at it now, being terrible isn't always such a bad thing. It is fun to be really good at something once in a while... even if it means being terrible for all the right reasons. Now go enjoy your Friday night- unless you are lame like me, in which case, good night!
Until we meet again my friends,