What I didn't realize when I was pregnant and glowing like a sweaty cow, was that having kids would provide me with new fodder for my professional life, too. Heck, thanks to my kids, I have a very full resume. I think all parents can relate; one day you're filling in your job skills with things like, "Excellent customer service; works well in a team setting; proficient with office machinery" and then you have kids. And all that crap flies right out the window. You have real skills now, and any boss would be crazy to pass you up for those innocent young kids whose resumes would make a thesaurus vomit. The next time I decide to apply for a new job, I am thinking my resume is going to look a bit like the following. Writing the cover letter should be a piece of cake- it could be pared down to a paragraph that looks something like:
Dear potential employer, I am an extremely credible candidate for a multitude of positions within your company. As my resume will reflect, I have quite the arsenal of skills under my belt; everything from customer service experience to hostage negotiations. I look forward to meeting with you to discuss my flexibility and desire to work hard for you; please beware I may need to be told multiple times if you call to set up an interview time because I can’t understand anything unless it is said at least three times in a row by an irritated adult.
Skills that I possess:
-Responsibility: Ensuring two melodramatic girls and their father make it to their pre-determined destinations, on time, in clean clothes, clean underwear, and with full stomachs is not for the faint of heart. Meeting your deadlines should be a cakewalk.
- Honesty: Four- and two- year olds are brutally honest, and having spent as much time with each as I do, sugar-coated conversations do not exist. Expect to hear what needs to be heard.
- Threat negotiations: If I can talk a screaming toddler down from an all-out temper tantrum, your whiny, spoiled, and self-absorbed customers should be putty in my hands. Hostages? Heck, I can talk a teddy bear out of ending up with a swirly; I got this!
- Stalling Tactics: Need excuses? I’ve got ‘em! Trust me, I am fully versed in the language of putting off anything that should be done immediately. Hunger pangs, thirst, bathroom talk, the apocalypse- I can reference it all.
References- Let me put it this way: come spend fifteen minutes with me in my car after picking up my darling children from daycare. You will see that I can handle emotional roller coasters, discussions that are missing 90% of the pertinent information, and am able to find the solution to a variety of problems with one hand (literally) tied behind my back. I am sure my children would love to sit and tell you all about how great their mommy is at making mac and cheese, and reading bedtime stories, if you really care to sit and listen to it.
Then again, maybe I should just stay right where I am. These people already know the true value of my experience, and they already know why I am an emotional, crazy, and tired hot mess. And I don’t have to explain why there are days that I walk around with my sweater on inside out with two different earrings on. Thank goodness for job security…