I am trying to learn how to leave a more positive impact on the people around me; I struggle with meeting new people, and being introverted makes it hard to form new relationships. I am learning that being nice isn’t always enough; nor is being funny or genuine. It seems like God has a sick sense of humor; I feel like He is always putting me in situations where I either get to become really close to someone for a short time, and then He changes their path and they end of moving hundreds of miles away while I stay right where I have always been. Or, I get forced to be nice to people that don't deserve to be given a penny worth of my time, and they never go away. Staying positive in these situations is difficult; keeping the faith and being patient gets to be a full time job for me.
Being a descendent of hot-blooded German and Scandinavian people means that I tend to be less than rational about a lot of things. A few months of therapy in my early twenties helped to ease the hair- trigger on my bitch-switch a little, but the facts are that no matter how many times I stop and take a deep breath and count to ten, I still find myself passing judgement a little too quickly; a little too attached to the grudges that I hold; and a little too emotionally psychotic at times. Sometimes, I find myself going back and forth between crying a river and slapping the shit out of the next jackass that happens to look at me funny. The doctors keep saying I am fine... but sometimes I really think that I should probably re-enroll myself in therapy again. I just don't have the patience for some of the people that I cross paths with. Thank God this isn't an everyday occurrence, or I may have to be committed.
Paired with the ups and downs of raising two young girls, and working in an office full of women, I often wonder why men ever choose to get married in the first place. Women and girls are exhausting; I am one and I still can't figure us out. With friends like us, who needs enemies? Finding true friends in your late twenties is really hard. All of us are at different stages in our lives, and finding people that are easy to relate to and that share your same interests tends to be a lot harder than it was in grade school. Being someone that has always struggled in the friend department, once I make a friend, I hang on for dear life because having another woman to discuss girl stuff, men, kids, horses, and life in general is so rare, yet so important. Learning to be a better person and help other up instead of tearing others down all the time is really tough; having a good friend that makes you laugh and see the glass half-full makes it a little easier.
I am sincerely sorry to all the people that my hot blooded German self may have offended or hurt along my journey of growing up. I worry constantly about how to fit in, whether my lack of a poker face is hurting someone's feelings, and if I am giving my heart and soul to the people that deserve it the most. I am learning that good or bad, how I inflict myself upon others will leave a lasting effect- far longer than I probably think. I hope that I inflict myself upon you all in a good way; unless you don't like horses, or cows, or country music. If that's the case, I already formed my judgement of you and good luck trying to change it.
Until next time, may you crank up that Waylon Jennings station on your Pandora and drink another beer for me!