"Uh-Oh"- Use caution when entering the room after hearing this. Results of leaving a toddler alone for any amount of time can range from them dropping their fork on the floor, to completely flooding the bathroom because they dropped the entire roll of toilet paper in the can and then flushed it. Pray for the best, but prepare for the worst.
"Mommy, I pooped"- Ah, just when you think having a potty trained four year is awesome, she has to burst the bubble with this bombshell. Apparently, all the lessons on how to properly wipe her butt has had no effect on my oldest child. "That's gross, mommy, I want you to do it!" Yes, dear, because mommy's idea of a good time is sticking her hand in the toilet between your butt and the deposit you just made and seeing if anything comes out clean. Yep, let the good times roll.
"My mommy say's you're crazy!"- This usually ends badly, since it is usually the Grandmother or Mother in Law that it gets said to, leaving mom or dad with their mouth agape like a fish out of water, and trying to back- peddle and cover tracks or change the subject to save face. And then walking away mumbling "you little shit... Geez, I really gotta watch what I say in front of this damn kid". Just wait, someday your little angel will pull a traitorous act on you, too. I hope your parents and in-laws have a great sense of humor.
"What if I push this button? What if I do this?"- I hope you have insurance for that. Don't worry, by the time she finally asks the question, you can bet the keys are locked in the car, 911 is already on the line, your glasses are broken, and child protective services will probably soon be coming to do a house visit. On the upside... wait a minute. Is there an upside to situations where a toddler can absolutely make you feel like you need to be committed to Warm Springs? I think the jury is still out on this one.
"Why?"- The one word sentence that turns a toddler into Sherlock Holmes and every conversation into the Inquisition. You damn well better stock up on some good bullshit reasons for everything from why the sun rises in the east and sets in the west to why she caught you and daddy in the shower together. You're gonna need them. Having to give answers to 300 rounds of "Why" almost makes waterboarding sound tolerable. Settle down, partner...I said almost tolerable. At least you'll live through the why game. Although you might wish you could die somewhere around question number 287.
Yep, kids sure do say the darndest things. The shittiest part is when they say things like "Apparently, Mom, so...." and "Oh, snap!" and you catch yourself thinking, "Holy shit.. She acts just like me! Oh, God, I really need to stop saying shit like that!"
It's a real bummer when you see yourself in the mirror of your little ones face and you get a little embarrassed by their oral and body language skills. I like to think though, that if everyone thinks even half the crap that comes out of the mouths of my two little mini-me's is even remotely funny, then their dad & I must be doing something okay. I might need to lay off the "Purt near's" and "f-bombs" though for a while. I would hate for their grandfather to choke on his false teeth and have a coronary ten years down the road when his sweet little girls are helping in the corrals and spout off some dandy expletives at his cows. Because we all know it ain't gonna be the kids getting yelled at for their superior use of colorful adjectives. And it ain't gonna be the cowdog, either.
Until next time my friends, may your toddlers keep you entertained and humble!