Love,
Richelle
It is with a heavy heart that I write this post. As opposed to looking for sympathy, I wrote this because I am struggling with how to deal with my older brother's suicide this last week, and writing is the best therapy I can find right now. I wish I could say that we had been close, that we had a great relationship, that I loved and adored him; but the truth of the matter is that I hadn't spoken with him in well over ten years and even when he had lived at home, we were never close. He struggled with substance abuse and other issues, and finally just sort of drifted away from his entire family. I am sad and heartbroken that he chose to be estranged from his family and end his own life, but for some reason, I can't find the tears that I know I should shed for him and that makes me extremely sad. Though we were half- siblings (same mom, different dad), that never mattered to me. As a little girl, I often thought he hung the moon; but as we got older he changed and became a totally different person. He joined the Army after high school, and for a while, it seemed like he had his life together. But like it goes all too often, the relationships he had with women never seemed to pan out like he hoped; and I am sure that coupled with already existing issues, it just became too much for him to bear. I hope you never have to deal with losing a family member to their own hands; I wish that things had been different and that he had gotten the help he needed. "The long and winding road that leads to your door, will never disappear. I've seen that road before, it always leads me here, lead me your door; Many times I've been alone; and many times I've cried; Anyway, you'll never know the many ways I've tried, but still they lead me back to the long and winding road.You left me standing here, a long long time ago; don't keep me waiting here, lead me to your door; Don't keep me waiting here, lead me to your door The wild and windy night; that the rain washed away Has left a pool of tears; crying for the day Don't leave me waiting here (don't keep me waiting) Let me know the way..." - Sir Paul McCartney To my brother: I am sorry that you have chosen to end your life; to end your existence upon this earth. It hurts me to imagine the pain you must have been living with; and that you felt there was no one to turn to when times were tough. I cannot imagine how you must have felt during your last moments- scared, sad, alone. Were you so angry with the cards dealt to you that you couldn't see a way out other than this? You clearly couldn't see past this speed bump in your life, and decided to give up the keys and end the ride. I can't pretend to understand the demons you faced day after day. Sadly, you had made the conscious choice to be alone a long time ago. You were the one that severed the ties to your family, and the friends that really did care about you. What really frustrates me is that your time here was so short; I am sure that you had a gift or two you could have shared with those around you, but we will never know; the life you lived was obscure and sketchy, at best. I am sad that you could only think about the things you didn't have- a girl, children, a home, worldly possessions- instead of trying to find out what you did have. You didn't realize it, but you had a mother and a grandmother that would have done anything for you; they wanted so badly to be in contact with you and know that you were ok. It was not fair that they had to learn about your whereabouts from the coroner. It may have been a big pride pill for you to swallow, but our dad would have helped you in any way you needed. You always liked to paint him as a villain in your story; but had you stopped to look outside yourself just once, you would have realized he only wanted the best for you. You had a brother and sister that did care about you; but you chose to let time drive a wedge between us and now, neither of us have any tears for you. From what I understand, your dad's family tried to help you get your life straightened out, but you chose to take advantage of them and in doing so, you lost so much more than your family. You had cousins and aunts and uncles that cared so much about you; I wish you could have felt the love they weren’t able to share with you. As for the family you didn't know about, you will never get to meet your sweet little nieces and see their sweet, happy faces. In ten years, we will have to try to explain who you were and why you never came around- and I honestly don't know what their dad and I will tell them. Your brother is doing what he loves- he is a firefighter and has a great girl in his life. We all would have welcomed you back home if you would have just picked up the phone. I know you lived a tough life; but you were given opportunities that for whatever reason, you chose not to pursue. I hope that you have found peace, and that you are no longer in pain. I wish you could have been a part of the lives you left behind, but I know that someday we'll meet again and I hope you will be the sweet, shy, awkward young boy I remember. May God bless you and hold you close, until our trails meet again.
Love, Richelle
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AuthorHi, I am Richelle. I am a mother to two wild and crazy little cowgirls, a wife and friend to pretty awesome cowboy, and a lover of all things western. This is just my collection of my own observations of life, some of my photos, and a few recipes here and there. I hope you enjoy! Categories
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January 2016
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