How would we exist had it not been for all the men that came before us? (Well perhaps that isn’t the best verbiage to use… oh, what the hell. I hope you laugh at that.) I don’t just mean in the physical, sexual sense. Of course our mothers were not a bunch of mutant hermaphrodites that spontaneously gave birth to a bunch of perfectly wonderful little girls. Puh-lease. But really- men have this strange way of just doing stuff and not worrying about the consequences. They get shit done. They seem to run on the mantra of “It is easier to beg for forgiveness later than ask permission first”. They perpetually have open-mouth-insert-foot-itis. What I don’t understand is, if men have been like this since the beginning of time, why haven’t us girls learned to have a little better sense of humor about it? Just because we have clearly evolved faster doesn’t mean we shouldn’t find humor in their cave-man ways once in a while.
The amount of time a woman spends thinking about her man (or any man, for that matter) must be unimaginable. Whether we are thinking about how to find one, how to keep one, how to get rid of one; or talking about thinking about them, they seem to consume our time and sanity. And the planning women do! Like a great hunter learning about his prey’s patterns, girls spend countless hours worrying and plotting and carrying on and for what? To end up with a man and then spend all their time figuring out how to deal with him? It is like a game of cat and mouse. We reel them in, play with them until they are no fun anymore, then try to figure out how to change them so they are entertaining again. No wonder guys are afraid of something that bleeds for 5 days straight and doesn’t die!
For some reason, I seem to end up being forced to spend time around too many women who either failed basic biology or seriously lacked a male influence in their early formative years. Or, perhaps, they were treated like little princesses through their entire childhoods and still live in a fairy tale, waiting for Prince Charm-your-pants-off to show up and sweep them off their (not so little) feet. Newsflash Ladies: princes are spoiled brats, just like you. If you think you are a princess, don’t think a “prince” is going to take care of you- he is just looking for a younger, sexier version of his mommy that puts out, then cleans up after him. Is that really what you want? And furthermore: the whole notion that having a baby will bring you closer together is bullshit. Babies are the best cock-blockers known to humankind. Your man will not appreciate the fact that *his* boobies are now food-delivery packaging for your mini-me, nor will they understand why it takes so long for you to want to get funky in the sack after that little critter comes along. Be careful what you wish for. Babies are wonderful and may be the one thing on Earth that is perfect, but babies don’t make daddies. Responsible, good men make daddies. Anything less is just a sperm donor.
Why do women complain about everything their men do? He watches the baby for you for two hours while you get a haircut, and what do you do? Sit and stew and worry about how he isn’t doing it right. He unloads the dishwasher and reloads it. Do you thank him? No! You probably freak out and rearrange and pre-wash everything. He offers to cook dinner, because he manages to beat you home. Are you grateful? Probably not, because he probably made something you either don’t like, didn’t do it right, scratched your pan, or plain just looked at you funny when you walked in the door. Don’t deny it. No Alice, my dear, you haven't fallen down the rabbit hole. This is reality: Women are evil creatures. And we don't even have to work at it.
I never wanted to be a semi-single parent. I certainly didn’t sign up to spend half of my week running this ship on my own while my husband was gone for work. It isn’t perfect. In fact, there are a lot of days when I just don’t have the energy to do much more than crack open a cold beer and watch Netflix before melting into a puddle on my pillow. But I also don’t spend all my time worrying about what my husband is doing, or bashing him to all the girls at work. I said yes when he proposed; he didn’t have to twist my arm. Yes, sometimes he is an idiot and pisses me off. But I know it is reciprocal (because he shouldn’t get to have all the fun). And I have (almost) always been able to laugh at him, and with him. Because I like him, and want to keep him around. Every choice we have made we have made together.
There really is nothing worse than listening to an unhappy couple fight with each other. I grew up listening to it; get subjected to it at work; and experienced it with friends. Please do the rest of the world a favor. If you hate each other, go your separate ways. Staying together only makes everyone elses life a living hell. Getting married will not make him change. Having a baby (or two, or more), is not going to make him love you more. And for the love of God, none of us want to hear your snarky comments via phone or behind each other’s backs. If you can’t laugh at him and move on, or love him anyways, he isn't meant for you. If you spend more time bitching and moaning about how crappy of a mate he is, then it is time to move on; chances are he is sick of your shit too. Girls, you gotta work at it too. There ain’t a damn one of us that should be treated like a princess. Nor should you want to be. Make him work for you, but not so much that he has to look somewhere else for an easy piece of sugar when he needs it. Marriage isn’t just about a pretty white gown, a big diamond ring, and a big expensive party. Pretty does not last forever. Humor, and love, on the other hand, last a life time. Relationships are hard. But I truly believe that if you want to have a good, happy life with that guy sitting in the recliner harassing you about your how good your butt looks while you are doing yoga, go kiss him and tell him how much you love him. He needs to hear it just as much as you do. I promise you will thank me in the morning!